The Husband

By Yan Shen Drabek

4/6/2022

F1 engine sound

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWJ8ZbW_UnQ

Good morning! Buenos días! 早上好！

Welcome everyone! It is with great pride that I welcome you to our humble, yet sweet and loving home where Robert and I have lived since 2007. I am honored that you are all here!

Perhaps this is the biggest event I have organized all by myself, without Robert here to guide me. I was freaking out, but I know what I must do, to honor my dear husband of 32 years, the honest man I have ever known.

One night, Robert came to my dreams, all excited and he started painting the walls. Robert was never loud, like me. But in this dream he was laughing and talking and saying beautiful things to me, loudly! It was very real. I know, underneath that cool appearance, he was a warm, funny, and deeply affectionate and considerate man.

Robert John Drabek was born on March 26, 1947, in San Antonio, Texas, and was brought up in Phoenix, Arizona, by his mother, Helen Pence, and stepfather Robert Barnes.

Having completed his high school education, Robert joined the US Air Force. He trained in Biloxi, Mississippi, and then worked as a radar technician in Ajo, Arizona. After leaving the service, he met his good friend Ernesto Franco, and eventually married Ernesto’s sister Consuelo, the mother to his son Elliott. Later he attended the University of California in Irvine, raised Elliott in Arizona, taught high school mathematics in Cave Creek, Mammoth, San Manuel, and Prescott before settling in Tucson.

He studied and later taught Computer Science at the University of Arizona. After some years there, he met Yan.

In 1985, I was a poor graduate student at the University of Arizona study Systems Engineering. One day I decided that I should take some more computer programming courses so I walked in to see Prof Drabek and asked if I could take one of his classes. Well, he wasn’t particularly encouraging because in order to take his Csc 327, I needed to make up a few prerequisites. In any case I some how managed to enroll in one of his courses and immediately was attracted to his teaching style and thought he was very cool. When we started seeing each other, he sent me to take a community class called “Assertive Training”. He wanted me to learn how to stand up for myself and become more confident in the new world that I live in now.

In 1987 I graduated and was looking for a job. My senior project advisor was from IBM and he wanted to hire me but IBM was not hiring students without green cards that year. He told me to contact his wife’s company, Sunquest Information Systems, because they were hiring. So I sent my resume and had an interview. They swiftly offered me a job. I remember taking that call in the lab and hearing a salary of $22,000. My “assertive training” kicked in and I said No, that pay was too low. 2 days later, they bumped it up to $24,000. I accepted it and they wanted me to start, like tomorrow. Now I had a problem - I had no working permit. Robert said he would marry me in a heart beat, but he didn’t want me to feel that I stayed here because of the marriage. He wanted me to feel that it was by my own ability to find a job and stay. So we hired a lawyer, and informed Sunquest that I couldn’t start working until I get my working permit. Sunquest, the vice president who hired me, was stunt that I was not a US citizen! The lawyer did her job and at the year end of 1987 I started working at Sunquest. Legally.

On April 21, 1988 Robert and I tied the knot. Looking back, it was really in a different era. Both of my brothers were working on their advanced degrees, and we were poor. It didn’t even cross my mind to invite them to be here for a big wedding! Robert and I went to the city hall and I remember after we left the room and walking down stairs, Robert stopped, holding the rail and he choked. It was the first time I saw his tears. At that moment, I vowed - for better or for worse, I would never leave this man. We would be together for life. The day was a bit gray with a little rain. I cooked my wedding dinner at my apartment and entertained a few friends. We didn’t even take a picture at the table.

We bought our first house on Navajo road. He did a lot of remodeling himself. Including painting the walls.

On Saturday mornings, he would always wake me up, and say “Let’s go! Let’s go!” We went 4 wheel driving in the desert, rally racing, visited many different towns in Arizona. Then we started traveling internationally. The first trip we went to Germany, Netherlands, Belgium, and Luxemburg. That was before the EU and I was holding a Chinese passport. One day, We were in a rental car driving pass a border check between two countries. They wanted to see our passports with visas and I did not have visa for that country. Robert just put his passport on top of mine and handed to the guy like nothing special. The guy flipped Robert’s passport and waved us through – didn’t even care to look at mine. When faced with sudden danger Robert was never the one to show fear. He always had a solution. So with him I felt safe and protected.

Robert was diagnosed with CML in 2000. He received the call from Dr. Sauray. after talking a couple seconds, Robert handed me the phone and said you talk to him, and he run to the bathroom. He couldn’t hear and say the “C” word for a year. It was really the biggest blow in our lives. For the first 2 years he was treated with Interferon, which gave him damaging side effects. It slowed him down! He joked that “now I know how average people feel like”. In 2003 a new drug Gleevec was approved by the FDA, and the doctor switched him to Gleevec and he started to feel better. We are so grateful and have been supporting the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society ever since.

In 2015, he was diagnosed with bladder cancer.  He just went to a surgery and continued with 2 years of treatment.

In 2018 winter time, he was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer. He joked that he was cursed by his first oncology nurse who told Robert that her father died on his third cancer. Robert enrolled in an experimental trail in Dana Farber Cancer Institute until the treatment stopped working.  

Robert never give up hope during the 20 years fighting these cancers. He said that he wanted to live long enough to give researchers enough time to figure out solutions. He participated in Light the Night events to raise money for cancer researches, and donated generously to the same cause each year.

When I first sit down to think about what to write, I thought about what Robert loved. Well, beside me.

Robert Loved Technology

His mother, Helen, told me that when Robert was a child, he said that when he grow up he was going to invent an automatic way to open and close curtains, so you don’t have to waste time doing that everyday.

A few days after he passed, I received a package. It was from an innovative company where Robert put down a pre-order for some gadgets they had invented for the kitchen.

He had equipped our house with many “smart” gadgets. We have 6 Alexas and 2 Echos. If a garage door is open, there is a light that turns on in the kitchen to indicate that so we never leave it on and accidentally let the dogs out. He bought the most advanced electric vacuum cleaner, at the time, for upstairs and for downstairs. It was attached to the wall, you just put it on there it’d recharge. I didn’t know how to use it, had to Google it to find out how to empty the thing. 🙂 He bought the most advanced electric lawnmower the year before. After he passed, I had no idea how to turn it on. Well, after I figured it out, I loved the thing and mowed our back yard the entire spring and summer last year. This year already twice. Robert would have been so happy to see that!

I realized how lucky I was with a husband who was so smart, so handy, and so capable of everything. Every time my computer is acting up, I just say, “Robert, this does not work!” and would walk away. 10 minutes later, everything would be magically working again. He was also very attentive. An old Chinese aunt came visit and he offered the old lady a pillow for her to put her feet up. That old lady was so impressed that she was telling everyone how considerate Robert was. Robert’s mother said many times that she wished Robert was her father. 🙂

Robert loved to help people. When someone asked him for help, he would put his whole energy into it, sometimes hours at a time. Everybody knows he was a PC guy. But in order to help his many Mac user friends, he bought an iPad just so he could familiarize himself in order to help his friends in need.

There is a place in Northampton called “Dog Park” where people let their dogs run leash-free. We took Sandy there every week while she was growing up. Many dogs then produced a lot of poop. So volunteers installed a big trash can at the entrance of the park, and put up a volunteer schedule on the board for people to sign up to take the trash begs to the dump. Robert volunteered to do this job for almost 2 years, weekly, until he could no longer lift the begs. One time he was struggling to lift a beg onto the truck a bunch of people were standing nearby and no one lifted a finger until I yelled at them to help out.

Robert Loved Freedom

Robert was not an athletic child. So in PE classes, when children were to select their teammates, he was often the one left unpicked. He was happy about that then he could be excused and sit some where and read his books. One time a big kid was teasing him and bullying him, Robert jumped on that kid and beat him good. From then on, no one dare to ever bully him again.

We went to the Mall in Washington DC three times to demonstrate against the war in Afghanistan, the war in Iraq, before the wars broke out. Millions of people, young and old, white haired old couples holding hands walking slowly and families with kids on their shoulders. We marched peacefully. No one really was organizing them, we all went voluntarily. I was there, I really felt the power of “freedom” and “democracy” that I had never felt before. My respect for this country and its spirit just went up to another level. Unfortunately the TV news hardly covered those marches and the country hardly knew that these demonstrations were taking place! Remember during this time Robert was under treatment for Leukemia. He did not have much energy. One time he made a sign for peace and sit under a tree. You will see that picture in the video later. After we left, actually I was pushing him in a wheelchair, a secret service guy was following us, and trying to catch a conversation to find out more about Robert.

In Robert’s office at the University of Arizona, there was a poster on the wall. It reads “Join the Army; travel to exotic, distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them”.

He joined the Air Force after he graduated from high school. After some sort of assessment test, he was assigned to do a technical job attending radars in Ajo Arizona. This was during the Vietnam war time. I could not imagine Robert standing inline or solute his superiors. He said that on weekends when they go to town, he was always the one driving the car back because everybody else was passed out.

Talking about driving, Robert loved cars.

Robert Loved Cars

Robert loved things mechanical and electrical. What can be more exciting than the loud engine roaming on a race track? He introduced me to the Formula One race, Indianapolis 500, NASCAR, Endurance racing, etc. We went to F1 race in Canada a couple of times, and to the mecca of Formula One in Monaco. We were planning on going to one in the US when the US re-entered the F1 race a few years ago in Austin, TX.

Every weekend when there is a F1 race, he’d be sitting there and watching, from practice to qualify to final race. I would join him sometimes and learned all these famous drivers’ names. The sound of the engine just excited him.
My Tivo kept recording Formula One races continuously. I was afraid to touch it until last month this year. I finally had the courage to sit down and started watching the race. It made me sad and glad at the same time. Hearing the sound of the race, I felt his presence. I think he would like this year’s race - Louise Hamilton is no longer dominating it! There are quite a few youngsters from different teams fighting really hard. I think Robert would be very happy about that.

There were certain rules and etiquette on the road that he taught me to adhere, especially on the freeway. Among them, the number one thing was never sit on the left lane cruising when people behind you who drive faster than you! Move over and let them pass! He would say. He sent me to high performance driving school to learn how to handle cars in unusual situations. He made me practice hitting breaks very hard on snow and see how the car react. You practice, so it would not surprise you when it really happened. He said.

Robert Loved Music

When we lived in Tucson, Arizona, I had this idea of doing a Chinese Music Time on the radio station KXCI. Robert supported me on that adventure – every Sunday from 2 to 3, we played Chinese music, for 5 years. We both got the FCC license for broadcasting. I was the DJ and he was the technician controlling the board. We collected music and prepared our program each week. We received fan mails and did fund raising. Such fun times!

I learned so much from him about different music Genres and artists, and he learned from me some classical music, and even accompanied me to a Swan Lake ballet performed by the Bolshoi Ballet in the Kennedy Center. Every year we went to different concerts, and he made several CDs consisting all of his favorites.

Robert and I traveled to many countries together,

Germany, Netherlander, Luxembourg, Belgium, Spain, (Malaga, Barcelona, ), France, England, Ireland, Wales, Italy, Costa Rica, Mexico, China, Norway, and Denmark.

Some of them we went multiple times.

He traveled to Guatemala, Chili, and Panama for work. I wish I had gone with him on those trips.

Robert and I celebrated our 30 years anniversary by taking a river cruise on the Blue Danube. We booked the best suit a year earlier before his Kidney Cancer diagnosis. This was our last trip together to Europe.

After this diagnosis, his first thought was to make plans to visit his nieces for the last time! Fortunately he got to visit Jiao’s family in Kansas city, attended Lisa’s wedding, and got to meet and hold Ru, Xiang’s son, our next generation. I think Robert would love Ru to no end as Ru loved cars, trucks, and anything mechanical.

Our very Last Trip in the US was to New Orleans in February of 2020. He wanted to revisit Biloxi, Mississippi, where he stationed for training after he joined the Air Force.

We stayed at the Roosevelt Hotel at the edge of French QT. A landmark built 100+ years ago. Robert also upgraded it to the high floor so it was quieter with better views.

After having breakfast in room, we walked the Cannel street and lunched at the Hard Rock Cafe. Then the Museum of Death, The Insect Museum and The Aquarium. He was in such high spirit, and this was the longest walk Robert did, ever. I finally convinced him to take a Taxi back to the hotel. And later we had an exceptional dinner at the Commander Palace. We enjoyed ourselves completely.

Unfortunately he caught something, and coughed really bad for the second half of the trip. I caught it too so the last day when we were back to New Orleans, Mardi Gras went on outside but we basically stayed in our hotel room the entire 24 hours before got back on the plane to fly home.

People say that a couple stayed together for so long they start to look alike. Apparently this was true in our case! Because one time Robert and I were sitting on a bench in a big shopping mall resting. A girl about 5 or 6 years old sitting across from us leaned over said to us: “Are you twins?”

On his birthday in 2001, one year after his CML diagnosis, he wrote the following in a shopping mall (please remember, this was during the time when he was an “average person”):

I'm mid-fifties. I'm a bit crazy.

The doctors tell me I may be the youngest to die in my family for the last 100 years. Only my son really appreciates my crazy jokes.

I did well. My son will do better.

My wife's family lives beyond most expectations. My wife knows I'm a bit crazy--that's why she loves me.

Some friends have died younger than I have. They didn't leave a forwarding address and I've missed them like crazy.

I want my family and friends to miss me like crazy forever. I will leave a forwarding address.

March 26, 2001 (and marking 54 years!)

Finally I would like to give special welcome to Consuelo Franco, Robert’s first wife, who gave birth to Elliott, the incredible son and the pride of Robert’s life. Thank you all for coming!